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Warriors Successfully Sieged by Knights

Escape Serfdom Through Litigation

by Julian Aramendi

October 09, 2019

The Southern Cloud football team fell 46-0 to the Knights of Lakeside last Friday.  The game ended at halftime due to the mercy rule. 

The contest between the two small-rostered teams (10 suited up for the Warriors, 13 for the Knights) proved to be a methodical victory for the feudal hosts; the Knights averaged an efficient 7.1 yards per rushing attempt to the 3.3 of the Warriors (with that number boosted by a pair of scrambles by Dusty Mason).  Lakeside’s Wyatt Eberle made a pair of circus catches, one for a score.  Various other statistical categories were won by the Knights, none so much alone as to decide matters, but taken together sufficient to produce a convincing defeat for Southern Cloud. 

The aforementioned Mason led the Warriors in rushing with 43 yards on four attempts; Tony Duggin gained 18 on nine totes; Bryson Schmidt gained two on six tries.  Mason attempted six passes, completing one to Schmidt for nine yards.  Tackles and assists were as follow: Nevyn Gold 7/1, Mason 4/2, Duggin 3/2, Evan Custer 3/1, Cody MacLean 3/1, Gabe Rice 1/4, Konnor Sutton 0/1.  Custer earned the first sack of his career to go with two tackles for loss; Gold made one tackle for loss and combined with Duggin to split another.  Gold defended two passes, Mason and MacLean one each.  The secondary successfully defended Lakeside’s Jace Schoen on all three passes thrown his way; after catching passes for more than 300 yards and six scores the previous two weeks, Lakeside star end was held without a reception. 

Following their victory, the Knights declared the Warriors their serfs.  The Southern Cloud legal team promptly filed an injunction, citing the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, which reads “Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.”  The Warrior legal team acknowledged that their play may well have been criminally disappointing; nonetheless, they had not been duly convicted and thus could not be forced into serfdom.  This response elicited a paroxysm of frustration from the Knights.  After further wrangling, the matter was resolved and the team returned home. 

The Warriors return home to take on the Grizzlies of Rock Hills in their next contest. 


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